Democrat Gubernatorial Candidate Mike Meister has an ad out.
Well, in theory anyway. Here is the video:
Now, we THINK this is Meister.
But we are really not sure.
He never identifies himself.
He never says his name.
He never says that he is running for Governor.
And he never tells us anything about himself.
So this is how Mike Meister is introducing himself to the state? With a mishmashed attack ad?
And it really is a convoluted spot in so many ways. Let's pick a few.
First, what's with the outfit? The rolled up sleeves and suspenders? Oh, we get it. He is going for the whole "country lawyer" look.
Well, we liked it better when it was done by Newman on Seinfeld.
OK, so let's hit one more visual before we get to what he is trying to say.
What are these (yellow circled) things?
Are they supposed to represent something?
Are we supposed to take out eyes off of what he is saying and look at them? Or the numbers he is pointing at? Or the arrows? Do they represent something that he is talking about?
It's called clutter kids. And when you can't even make-out what it is, then it's more like jetsam.
So, because we are here to help, we have zoomed in on them.
OK, we get the first one. An Uncle Sam hat. And....it is...hmm...well, we guess it is the federal stimulus money from "Uncle Sam." Gotcha. Sorta.
OK, so the next one. This one took us a while.
At first we thought it was some sort of nude figurine next to a rock.
Maybe Patrick Star?
A melted broken heart?
After much zooming an considering, we finally figured it out.
It's a broken piggy bank! Get it! The "cash reserves" were in a piggy bank and then it was perfectly cracked in half, like an egg, and the then the two halves were put back next to each other except a piece is missing.
Or something. Anywho, it's One Big Distraction.
So, onto whatever else he is trying to say (and we say "he", meaning "the man in the video", who may or may not be Mike Meister).
So first he says that "In six years Dave Heineman has grown his budget 29%."
So, now it is "his" budget? Well, there's an interesting take. And wait a minute, 29% goes up at a 45 degree angle on that chart? And there are 7 bars on that six year chart! And the arrow just keeps going! Does that mean Heineman gets to keep governing? Well, thanks there, mister.
So back to the little math test -- and this one took us even longer than the broken vase pig.
He talks about the $1.17 billion, then has a bunch of numbers below that, that come up to $1.559 billion.
And the whole time we're thinking, "Wait, 1.17B + 554 M + 254 M + 751M doesn't equal 1.559B..."
Because we heard him say, "...his budget would be a lot bigger than 751 million dollars".
Wait, $1.117B IS bigger than $751M.
So, we listened, and listened, and played it backwards a few times, ran it through a dictaphone and finally enhanced it with some tin cans and twine.
And what he actually says -- No, MUMBLES -- is, "...his budget HOLE would be a lot bigger...".
Except that it doesn't sound like, "budget hole would". It sounds like, "budgehowooh".
So sue us (country lawyer) for not understanding this scholarly diatribe.
And then there's the big finish. Er...non-sequitur.
Because at the end, as he approaches the screen (and we are expecting him to tell us to "Snap into a Slim Jim!")...
...he yells at us, "Where's our money Dave!"
Um...because...THAT is what that whole math problem was about?
The gist of the ad (we will help you here) is that the Governor would have a bigger shortfall were it not for the stimulus. So, we know already that "our money" is in that first part of the budget, right?
It's not like he was saying, "Our taxes are super high, but the money has all disappeared!" That's not his point. So the "where's our money" has nothing to do with anything in this ad.
And then he flips the board and stalks away...
Showing...what it that? Is that the team logo?
WE see a sort of "MEISTER" but under that it seems to say "COVEKNUR".
And then under that, it's a huge "B" BOYLE (hey who is the top of the ticket here?), and that person seems to be up for "LT, COVERHOX".
(Here's a crazy idea guys: use your dumb chalk drawing, but fade it into your actual logo on the screen. Hire some kid with a Mac.)
You know, but other than all that, awesome spot.
(Oh, and we liked the original one starring Richard Carter a lot better.)